Update

Wow. It has been a long time since I've posted anything and there's a lot that's happened. Thanksgiving's just ended and I've got three busy weeks of school left before Christmas break. I get to go home so I'm really looking forward to that. I get to hang out with my family and spend time with them. I haven't seen them in a year so it'll be very nice. God's taught me a lot about the importance of family and friends in life. I just pray that God helps me to continue to see the importance of having Him as a focus for everything.

Thankful, confused, hopeful

This summer has caused me to grow a lot. God has really stretched who I am. I am thankful for his continuous presence in my life. He has been there for me when nobody else has and He never fails to be there when I need Him and when I don't. This summer has also given a general confusion to me that I am trying to work out with God right now but it will probably take a little while. I am very hopeful for His strength and comfort through it all as I know that He has never abandoned me. To God be the glory.

Some of God's workings in my life

Well, I don't know how many people read this blog but I will post a new entry since I'm feeling in the mood for it.

Things are getting better with my relationship with God. He is teaching me how to soundly lean on him and him alone. He is showing me that when I trust him, He is faithful. Sometimes it can be tricky, but those situations just call for more prayer and a steadfast heart. Thankfully, God has blessed me with a steadfast heart and this realization of how important it in combination with prayer and scripture is. I have been needing prayers more recently for patience in waiting for God's perfect will and timing. I can't really dive too much into specifics on here as of yet, but God's got something big planned and, although I have no idea what He has waiting for me, I know that there's something there. I just have to serve him and wait patiently for the time in which He chooses to bestow me with such a gift and blessing. Perhaps at a later date I can delve into more details but as of now, I think its sufficient. Thanks for reading and please keep me in your prayers.

In Him,
Me

Africa Update

I haven't posted here in a while. I've been pretty busy with things here in Africa and I've been updating my other blog. If you click here you can get to my other blog and read about what's been going on here.

On a more personal note, things have been going pretty well. I really enjoy it here in Africa. Yes, it is a completely different environment and yes, it would take a lot of time and effort in order to be able to construct a new life in a place like this, but it is all the more room for God to work and all the better of a situation for him to be glorified in.

I'm still not quite sure where I'm at as far as my relationships with people and where exactly God wants to take them. I know that most of them are destined to remain friendships, some even probably amazing friendships, and for that I am grateful. However, one question still remains in my mind. Will it happen? If so, who? Although I do still have two years left at Harding and God works on his own time rather than mine, I find it difficult to not wonder if I am meant to have a wife at some point and if so, if it is somebody I know or have yet to meet. I suppose I have been thinking about it a little more lately just because I'm in a setting which I could easily see myself in a few years. This type of place is a place that I can live in and the work is work that I can't do but would only be able to accomplish by God's grace and by His strength. I know its a little bit early to be thinking about that yet, but I really feel like God is calling me down that path. So I guess part of the reason I have been thinking about it more recently is because I've been seeing the role that the women have played on the team here and I think it is a very vital role and that the women, although working in a different context, are working side by side to accomplish the same goal.

I don't know how some of the women see it, whether it be missionaries' wives or female interns. Perhaps I will be able to sit down and talk to them about it more soon. Bottom line is, I don't know what God has planned for me and the best thing I can do is pray for patience and guidance and strength. I would ask all of you who are reading this to do the same for me. Thanks and God bless.

God is Truth

As I was reading one of my friend's blog about her preparation for her internship this summer, she mentioned something that struck me as a good way to provide a healthy and close relationship to God.

This idea was to give God a name for what He has done in your life for the past year. In a smaller, related sense, at Matt Miller's bible study we were given the task of looking to see how God is working in your life every week (though it would also be good to see it every day). Based on this, for me this past year, I'd say that God is the God of "Absolute Truth". Everything about Him is truth and nothing is true without Him. I've found that no matter what people believe and argue about, no matter what we consider to be important in this realm, no matter what philosophical reasoning we try to create for everything around us God is the only answer. God is Truth.

Fear

If I could find the words to describe where I'm at, I probably wouldn't be writing here. But then again, maybe I would. I'm not sure. One thing I've been thinking about more and more lately is how to commit myself fully to God and give up all the ways of my past. I still struggle with things of my past and I'm sick of it. I wish I could simply but it all behind me where it belongs and move on...but why can't I? I need to get down to the depths of things. Down to what is really bugging me. I think I know what it is without having to delve too much into situations.

Fear.

I'm afraid of my uncertainty. I'm afraid of not knowing what the future has in store for me. I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid of death. I'm afraid I'm not a good enough Christian. I'm afraid of not being able to serve God as I'm supposed to. I'm afraid. I want to put these fears behind me and live with comfort that God will provide for me but it isn't going to be easy. I suppose all I can do is pray, request prayers, and keep moving forward trying to see opportunities to serve God along the way.

Frail

I have times that I get very contemplative and sometimes so much so that it saddens me. Tonight was one of those nights. I decided that I would walk around and listen to some Christian music because I felt like I really needed to draw close to God and I felt like tonight, music was the way. All music represents is poetry put to music. I always listen to the lyrics and that, to me, makes or breaks the song. So, I put my iPod on Jars of Clay and put it on shuffle and start listening. Out of all the songs I listened to, the one that caught my attention tonight the most was called Frail. Here are the lyrics:

"Frail"

Convinced of my deception
I've always been a fool
I fear this love reaction
Just like you said I would

A rose could never lie
About the love it brings
And I could never promise
To be any of those things

[Chorus:]

If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken
Growing old
I would be...
I would be...
I would be...

Blessed are the shallow
Depth they'll never find
Seemed to be some comfort
In rooms I try to hide

Exposed beyond the shadows
You take the cup from me
Your dirt removes my blindness
Your pain becomes my peace

[Chorus]

...frail

I am scared of being broken and I'm scared of growing old. I'm scared of being broken because everytime I am, I set myself up for more brokenness. It seems that everytime I start to heal or finish healing from a wound, another one opens. I am afraid of what the future holds for me and one thing I've been thinking about more lately that I'm afraid of is being single. I want to have a family. I want to have kids.

I don't know what's ahead for me in my life. There are so many things I don't understand. So many things I won't. Whatever. I trust you God.

Prayers are welcomed.

April Announcements

What's new in my life? Let's see...where to start.

School is pretty good. I'm having a hard time keeping up with it, but its ok.
I have a lot of wonderful friends that will soon be able to chill because Spring Sing will be over.
I'm getting over a cold.
I'm going to Togo for an internship this summer.
I turned in a Bible Scholarship application.
No special lady in my life just yet but I don't think it's God's time yet.
I got the RA job for next year.
I'm going to Togo this summer.
My sister graduates in 2 months.
My mom moved back to Idaho from Vegas.
I'm helping out with the Sandali Project.
Oh yeah, I'm going to Togo.
I am no longer a Biblical Languages major but now just a Missions major.
I should graduate in 2 years.
I'm planning (pending on what God wants of me of course) to do long term mission work in Togo working with an unreached people group called the Gourmantche.
I plan on learning French and Gourmantche.
Did I mention I'm going to Togo this summer.

That's about all that's new with me. Its quite the list but I haven't updated anytime recently. So there it is. Here are a few pictures that I like and I just thought I'd post so ya'll could enjoy them too! God Bless!

Communication and Misperceptions

I've noticed that the way that I like to communicate with people is not in a large group but rather 1 on 1. I am trying my hardest to learn how to adapt to a group setting because it is inevitable that I will end up in one and it would be nice to be more comfortable in those situations.

I do, however, find that 1 on 1 communication is more comfortable and way more personal. Often times, I find it easier for me to talk to women than most men, however, many people can perceive this as trying to enter into a relationship and that kind of bugs me. It bugs me because when I find somebody that I can talk to that I know will listen and I talk with them often, this side chatter starts up of "Oh. What's going on there?" or "OOooOO. Look at Kacy." I realize that sometimes this can be in a kidding manner, but most of the time it is not. Can we not just have friends to talk to 1 on 1 and somewhat frequently that we know will be there to listen?

For now I am going with the 1 on 1 conversations and I've noticed that what I'm really looking for is just somebody to talk to. I want somebody to be there and to listen and to turn to even if I don't have anything of urgency to say. I want to know that I can talk to somebody about anything and not worry about how they think of me and that I can turn to them for my very deepest of secrets.

I do have a few friends like that and I am more than greatful for this wonderful blessing. I guess it seems that more lately than not, some of these friends are getting busy and cannot seem to find time to sit down and chat. I am a little sad about this.

My friends, my brothers and sisters in Christ, I urge you to look at how you communicate with others and why. Do you avoid 1 on 1 conversations because they seem awkward and you feel you have nothing to contribute? Do you avoid groups because you fear of how people will think of you based on what you have to say? I challenge you, as I challenge myself, to try to break your comfort boundaries and become comfortable with both ways. Inevitably, you will be put in both positions and it is good to know how to interact on both levels.

Its All Him

If I have nothing to say, but that which He has said to me, what can I tell you but His word?
If I know nothing of the world, but know my Father in heaven, what can I teach you but of Him?
If I cannot see my own path, but rely on Him to reveal it to me, where can I guide you but to Him?
If I am not my own, but belong to the Father, then what can I give to you but Him?

Trapped

This is how I've been feeling lately about the things in my life. I write things in poems so it's easier to express. Some things repeat, but I guess that just means they're more important at this time.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Trapped
Written March 13, 2007

Where does my heart belong
But in the hands of the First and the Last
So why can't I hand it over to him
And out the window my cares I'd cast

I seem to hold on to what I don't have
I can't give it all away
There's something that stays deep in my heart
That longs for it to stay

How can I remove this filled place in my heart
And make this room bare
So that I can give it over to Him
Then I could meet him there

I'd have no more concerns of things of this world
And I'd be given everything I'd need
For He said, "Whoever loses His life will gain
If he takes his cross and follows me"

I know this truth, it sits in my mind
But I can't seem to put it to use
I can't think of why I can't do this
I can't even come up with an excuse

I'm stuck in this place and I don't know how to leave
To fully give myself away
So now I'll break down and lay my head down
And turn to God and pray

For there's nowhere else for me to go
I'm running in circles in my mind
There's no way out and I'm trapped inside
Maybe someday I'll be rid of this bind

Being held so dearly against my will
Trapped in the thoughts of my desire
Nowhere else to go but turn to him
Or else I'd face the fire

But I've turned to him before
In this same situation
And I am still in this place
So I sit in contemplation

I can't run, I can't hide,
I'm stuck deep inside
I'm running out of room and time
So I'll find a corner and hide

No place to go, no one to know
About where I am in my head
So I'll put a smile on my face and go through my day
'Til I can lay down in my bed

Then I can surrender to the darness around me
And no one can see my face
Or the sadness and fear that lingers here
Because I'm trapped in this place

Solitude

Being at Harding without the buzz of people is a lot different. I don't mind it, but its going to be a long break. Right now I'm just sitting on the front lawn browsing the web. I have been able to sleep in, which has been nice, but already I'm wondering if there's more I can do around here. I don't really feel like watching a movie and I'm not too keen on reading (although it would be good for me if I did). With little access to the internet, this gives me a lot of free time.

As for other things, as Fish puts it, my foot is stuck in the door. Its so much different than before and there's nothing to do about it besides give it to God. I want to be done thinking about it and concerning myself over it. How do I change the way I think and feel?

I wrote this song just now and it fits the situation pretty well. So here it is.

------------------------------------------------------------------
Collapse into you
Written on March 11, 2007

You've captured my heart
You've got a piece of me
You don't even know that its happened
But its obvious to see

So where do I go from here
With you gone away
I'm left sitting here
So I turn to God and pray

(chorus)
Father I need you
I don't know what to do
Father I need you
You're the only thing that's true
I need you in my life
I need you by my side
Jesus be with me
As I lay me down and cry


I see Him in your eyes
The warmth you carry inside
I need love in my life
I know that God will provide

(chorus)

Now I've nowhere else to run
Putting all of me into Him
Nothing left to do but wait
Then He'll fill me to the brim

(chorus)

So Jesus be with me
As I draw close to you
I give my everything over
Now show me what I must do
Jesus stand near me
As I collapse into you

Migration

Hey all. I'm slowly migrating all of my blogs here because this site has a lot more tools and advantages to it.

There's more to come later.

God Bless!