Fear

If I could find the words to describe where I'm at, I probably wouldn't be writing here. But then again, maybe I would. I'm not sure. One thing I've been thinking about more and more lately is how to commit myself fully to God and give up all the ways of my past. I still struggle with things of my past and I'm sick of it. I wish I could simply but it all behind me where it belongs and move on...but why can't I? I need to get down to the depths of things. Down to what is really bugging me. I think I know what it is without having to delve too much into situations.

Fear.

I'm afraid of my uncertainty. I'm afraid of not knowing what the future has in store for me. I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid of death. I'm afraid I'm not a good enough Christian. I'm afraid of not being able to serve God as I'm supposed to. I'm afraid. I want to put these fears behind me and live with comfort that God will provide for me but it isn't going to be easy. I suppose all I can do is pray, request prayers, and keep moving forward trying to see opportunities to serve God along the way.

Frail

I have times that I get very contemplative and sometimes so much so that it saddens me. Tonight was one of those nights. I decided that I would walk around and listen to some Christian music because I felt like I really needed to draw close to God and I felt like tonight, music was the way. All music represents is poetry put to music. I always listen to the lyrics and that, to me, makes or breaks the song. So, I put my iPod on Jars of Clay and put it on shuffle and start listening. Out of all the songs I listened to, the one that caught my attention tonight the most was called Frail. Here are the lyrics:

"Frail"

Convinced of my deception
I've always been a fool
I fear this love reaction
Just like you said I would

A rose could never lie
About the love it brings
And I could never promise
To be any of those things

[Chorus:]

If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken
Growing old
I would be...
I would be...
I would be...

Blessed are the shallow
Depth they'll never find
Seemed to be some comfort
In rooms I try to hide

Exposed beyond the shadows
You take the cup from me
Your dirt removes my blindness
Your pain becomes my peace

[Chorus]

...frail

I am scared of being broken and I'm scared of growing old. I'm scared of being broken because everytime I am, I set myself up for more brokenness. It seems that everytime I start to heal or finish healing from a wound, another one opens. I am afraid of what the future holds for me and one thing I've been thinking about more lately that I'm afraid of is being single. I want to have a family. I want to have kids.

I don't know what's ahead for me in my life. There are so many things I don't understand. So many things I won't. Whatever. I trust you God.

Prayers are welcomed.

April Announcements

What's new in my life? Let's see...where to start.

School is pretty good. I'm having a hard time keeping up with it, but its ok.
I have a lot of wonderful friends that will soon be able to chill because Spring Sing will be over.
I'm getting over a cold.
I'm going to Togo for an internship this summer.
I turned in a Bible Scholarship application.
No special lady in my life just yet but I don't think it's God's time yet.
I got the RA job for next year.
I'm going to Togo this summer.
My sister graduates in 2 months.
My mom moved back to Idaho from Vegas.
I'm helping out with the Sandali Project.
Oh yeah, I'm going to Togo.
I am no longer a Biblical Languages major but now just a Missions major.
I should graduate in 2 years.
I'm planning (pending on what God wants of me of course) to do long term mission work in Togo working with an unreached people group called the Gourmantche.
I plan on learning French and Gourmantche.
Did I mention I'm going to Togo this summer.

That's about all that's new with me. Its quite the list but I haven't updated anytime recently. So there it is. Here are a few pictures that I like and I just thought I'd post so ya'll could enjoy them too! God Bless!